You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
