he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
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dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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