I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's just like the Real World with babies
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
