happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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