I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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