I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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