just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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