mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
