my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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