i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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