you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
