I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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