So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
