i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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