Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
