Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
