Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
