seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
