Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
