I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
