my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
