I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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