if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
