btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
