3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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