Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
