Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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