By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
