I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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