I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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