Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
