if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
