My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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