i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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