Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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