I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
