i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize