1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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