It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The adults are the big ones right?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
