you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
