I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
