Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
