If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
