I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
