Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
