you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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