So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
