After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
