her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
