I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
