Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize