You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
