Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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