if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
