Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
