good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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