dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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