I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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