He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
