sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
