you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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