I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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